The Pouring Rain

As if the heavens had let go altogether,
Down came sheets of pouring rain,
As I struggled to find shelter under a thatch,
The Marlboro between my fingers begged to be guarded under my protective palm,
I was lost in the music of the downpour,
Oblivious to the noise of the incessant chatter around,
The mood often obeys the season,
As transient and unpredictable as they come,
The sea resembled the movie-set storms,
As the blanket of haze hindered the overwhelming view,
Thoughts loomed large over my mind,
Like the gray clouds did over the bay.

Memories of the past and hopes of the future,
Hanging by a small thread in the present,
I searched for the aura of a year ago,
The shades and hues couldn't be more different,
The contrast was not unlike the Light and Darkness,
Discerningly distinct, yet menacingly similar,
The trickery of variables continued to enrapture,
And the obstinate constants inspired more belief,
Yet the dead-end seemed an inevitable monster,
That I had to slay without save and reload.

And another would come to take its place,
Even before the blood on my hands had dried,
And every rotation left me richer and wiser,
As I garnered the applause and brickbats,
I've been in this game for too long,
Dominated while amateurs struggled to stay afloat,
It's time to open up the ephemeral portal,
Escape into the land of the mythical liquefied bliss,
And do it while I can at my own accord,
Lest I was pushed there by a power too fervent.

The rains lashed out without an end in sight,
Yet the clouds would disperse soon,
Only to gather again for another outburst on another day,
Unless there was a change,
A change in the direction of the winds,
The ocean currents and the revolving earth,
Till then, the heavens would continue this onslaught,
And down came sheets of pouring rain…

Dreams and Discontent

"Who's to blame if you're so tired?
And haven't found what you were longing for?
Lost everything you sought so hard,
Flown up to the sky and fallen back again?" - Translation of a Russian Song

Most people continue to live in state of mild displeasure at their current plight. It is described as normal human behaviour in classical psychology, as long as that state doesn't instigate one to destabilize that balance, more than mildly. People fit into this mould with relative ease, always wanting something they don't currently possess. This reinforces the theory that humans have not evolved significantly in this respect for the past thousands of years, and will continue to tread on this path, notwithstanding the allowable limit of exceptions.

"I hate my job, I just can't stay put any longer!"
This is a phrase I hear as often as once a day, from a diverse set of sources, for a multitude of reasons. Hypocrisy, Bureaucracy, Lies, Deceit, Boredom and many more; people have their own perfectly valid reasons to hate their jobs. The big bad corporate world, now inflicting the full force of its wrath on its inhabitants.

But it wasn't as bad always. We've grown up, watching those business news channels, captivated with the elan with which those CXOs conduct their businesses and their lives. We've wanted to get there, we wanted to be featured in newspapers, wanted to give those interviews about industry and how we spend our weekends. We've struggled to get to where we have, on a growth path that will lead us there in time, after investing a good part of our youth, into this quest.

The corporate life, the paychecks arriving every month on that particular date. The golfcourses, the deals, the contacts, the exclusive club membership, the gold tier on multiple frequent flyer programs, the parties, the webconferences with people in other corners of the world, the fame, the adultation, the recognition. We wanted it all.

And here we are, checking atleast 50% of that list in our first years of working, now wondering why we thought so highly of "corporate life". We were drawn to it like flies to a flame, promising to ourselves that we're going to make it to the cover of that magazine by the time we turn 40, not realizing what sacrifices that quest demanded. And now, we strain our memory to remember what we were after, in those years of preparation to get here.

We hate the lies those wretched HR people tell us, those promises that we were made before we signed on the dotted line, and the amount our company has us pledge away to the government, as deducted-at-source taxes! We hate how those no-good people get to where they are by constantly kissing ass, mostly figuratively, sometimes literally! We hate how some people get by on their looks all the time. We hate those people that always try to network with us, without an ounce of genuineness in their voices. We hate how each of them, however high up they may be, are equally wretched leches. Of their ability to remember only the names of attractive women and not the other noteworthy hardworking majority and never letting go of an opportunity to ogle at them, which female collegues desribe in disgust. We hate how we have to fake a smile at them wherever you meet them, just because they've reached a higher work-level, failing which they would take offence and perhaps use it against you in some way. And innumerable more of these situations that we undergo...

We crib to our friends about how this stifles us and how it would be prudent to just walk away from it. We comtemplate chasing our pristine dreams, the other ones we dreamt of before we got lured by the flashbulbs, the greenbacks and the glamour. "We'd rather be doing what we love, than something we love to hate", we reckon.

A few days pass, and we keep our niggling worries distracted by other things. Choosing to spend our time with friends, loved ones and other pursuits. Till the next time, a few days later, when the entire cycle starts again. For in reality, we just love our lives a little too much to want to let go. We love our paychecks every month, that pays all our bills and leaves a lot more. For in reality, we would rather crib about our current states and still stick there, than to plunge into an unknown.

We've been conditioned by society to think that we're the most successful if we make the most money. And we believe that the only ones that don't conform to this are the ones that didn't make it in their lives. And hey, we're making more money than 99.9% of our country's population. We love the recognition we receive from relatives who remark at where we've got to be in such a span of time. For in reality, we all grew up in the 90s in urban India when we were undergoing a transformation. The economic liberalization brought with it dreams of more than that prestigious government job, which everyone then was content with. Our parents worked hard for themselves and us, and put us thru those schools and colleges, where we dreamt dreams of being where we currently are. We dreamt of having a big house, a big car and supporting our parents thru to vacations across the world.

For in reality, we're scared. We're scared of throwing it all away. We've got here, after some time and we don't want to get greedy. We've all heard horror stories of how everything crumbles down to rubble so easily if you're not attentive enough. We believe in ourselves but we believe in the power of dreams as well. So we'd much rather go suck up some more to our bosses and get our 'checks in the mail. It isn't to say we won't pursue those aspirational dreams, we will. At a time when we feel ready for it, we will. But till then, we're going to be content with being mildly discontent.

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for " - Epicurus

Of Quacks and Bad Habits

The scene is that of a hospital, quite a while ago. No, I it wasn't for the reason that may be crossing your mind. I'm pretty sure I'm better off than the subject of that earlier post (My Most Embarrassing Moment).

I still don't know why I went to a hospital, except that I didn't know any practitioner to go to. And with my downright lack of faith in doctors, I only went because I was pushed and required a prescription for the drugs which I knew I wanted. Totally convinced that I was going to get prescribed some broad-spectrum antibiotics as most doctors would for most symptoms, I entered the doctor's room, hoping it would be a short encounter.

Now, considering that I absolutely deride visiting a doctor and trust in self-medication, I must admit it's been a while since I've been to one. So I started, almost as soon as he took his eyes off the newspaper and looked at me. He seemed above 50 and indolent, like he wanted to get this over with soon, and get back to his newspaper. I was not going to present any objection to that!

"I need some medication, I think some XYZ should do. I'll take the entire course; it's just a random flu, I'm sure it's nothing big"

He came closer, shone his small torch in my face and just said, "Hmm, let's see". At this point, I feel compelled to put forth my view on the following practice. I think it's pointless for the doctor to show you to that elevated bed, to sit on, even if they're not going to examine you physically. I guess they just follow convention without thinking.

After a minute or so, he picked up his prescription pad, and I took the cue to get off the elevated bed and go sit on the chair opposite his desk. Content that he was going to cooperate with my way of working, I was starting to feel like this was going to be a worthwhile experience after all.

And then it started.

"Do you have any bad habits", he said. Ok, maybe he was making small talk, since the whole process took less than 2 minutes and perhaps the hospital had a policy to keep patients "in consultation" for at least 5-10 minutes. I was about to respond with something sarcastic, but he clarified on his own, "Drinking, Smoking... Girlfriends?"

Now this was going to be interesting, I relished at the opportunity that had randomly presentled itself.
"Yeah, I actually do... I don't consider them bad, but I drink occasionally. And I'm not a regular smoker". He looked at me, with an overt display of disbelief. "No, seriously. I smoke quite rarely, perhaps it averages out to be less than 1 a day", I justified. I should've stopped here, for he was not expecting me to say anything more, I could tell. Yet, I was not letting this one go so easily. This conversation promised to be entertaining!

"And yeah, girlfriends... Yes", I said, choosing to carefully read his reaction. He looked up from his prescription pad, surprised at my reply.
"Oh, is it”, he said. ”So how many do you have?” he asked.
I couldn't help smiling now and replied, "It's not like I have several, just that I have had a girlfriend in the past... And I have one, right now".

His eyes lit up with this answer, and seemed amazed at this thought, choosing to probe deeper, perhaps to clear some doubt in his mind about "today's generation". "So what kind of girls are these, college girls or what?" he said.

I continued to smile as I replied, "Yeah, college girls at one point of time. Or working ones. What else?"
And this was the part where it started to get weird, when he asked, "So how much do you pay for them?"

I was suddenly thrown off guard, and start laughing now. "Pay?!” I said vehemently. If he only knew the first thing about me, I pondered to myself, he wouldn’t be asking this question.

"Of course not. Why would I pay?!"
I'd hoped that by now, he got the hint, and would refrain from more embarrassing questions. But the awkward interrogation continued.

"So then, they are ready to do everything with you, is it?” he asked, in his sing-song way of talking. This question took the conversation to a whole new direction, which I had not seen coming. I chose to continue, just to see where it'll take me. And I was enjoying this thoroughly.

"Uhh, it doesn't quite work like that", I tried.
He just wouldn't get it. "Then how?” he asked. It was like telling a 9-year old about what adults do, except 9-year olds these days probably know more than this guy who was apparently a doctor, who seemed to have descended from another planet recently.

"Well, you get to know them first… After a while, depending on what you want, things happen. It's very normal these days", I ventured.
"They don't mind, is it?" he continued.
I was going to say "they enjoy it", but thought he'd faint if I said that. "Not at all... They are fine with it".

I was getting the feeling that nobody had actually taken the time to tell this man about how things work these days. Perhaps, he was clearing his doubts, to better understand his own teenager or some other major doubt plagued his mind.

"Well, it's not quite like I'm just having fun… I'm serious", I said. It almost seemed like I was justifying myself to this random person, whom I didn't know till 10 minutes ago.

"So are you going to marry her...? Your girlfriend", he inquired.
Well, I haven't yet thought about it and haven't quite asked her but I'd gladly tell you, old-man, I thought to myself.
"Yeah, if things go as I want them to, then why not...", I ended.

After this, I was convinced that he was going to go on trying to find out more about this big black box in his mind, known as youth culture, but I somehow didn't have it in me to humour him anymore. Perhaps, the “marriage assurance” gave him a sense of sanity, and he voluntarily stopped. Either way, I didn’t wait longer. I thanked him, out of courtesy, although he really should have reciprocated, considering how much he'd learnt today! As I walked out smiling to myself, I pledged, like I had before, never to visit a doctor again... There are some that are quacks, and some that are just bloody insane!

Man-made Wonders [Edit]

A sultan of the new age world, you take whatever you've got and accentuate it a thousand fold in your mind. You've never stopped to rethink this. "It's one life, after all", is the one-liner that justifies all your actions. You want to be the rock-star that Nickelback rhythms about.

Whether conventional wisdom appeals to you or not is secondary, as you define rules for yourself. They are, perhaps, but small tweaks to the ones that are already in place, but you've got to create your own version. This is what defines you. You're not one amongst the crowd, and you've etched your place in stone for everyone around.

The worst insult to you would be if you were thought to be similar to someone else around you. You would never accept that you're not all that special as you thought you were. You disregard this as an aberration from someone who's obviously envious of something you possess.

It all adds up to one giant size movie set in your mind, which is playing out your very own magnum opus Bollywood film. The parents, friends, partner are all exactly cut out for their parts, always happy and making merry, without a care in the world. There is no space for dull and boring themes in this scenario. No space for mediocrity. You're the director of this venture, and every chair, drape and glass in this set is going to be the best. No constraints here, as you've got an unlimited budget that keeps getting approved. For it's all in your mind.

You make your job out to be the best in the world, your career goals and ambitions, seem like they tower over others around. Those around you will affirm to this, for it is their way of showing affection. And they too seek a symbiotic response. In this world, where everything mediocre is bloated up into giant size wonders, and every action exaggerated into a miracle, what if reality passes you by? You're so busy making your own wonders, that the real ones go unnoticed even when they're right in front of you.

In your mind, the overt difference is just time and effort. For you spent it in making the first one up, and the second one came as is. Does that make the second one more worthy to you? Will you let it pass by, not being able to tell the difference? Of course, you always have the chance to find another article and erect this elaborate sham for it as well. It's another of those things that you want customized. This one came into your life, already perfect. Maybe that's not good enough for you. Maybe you want something that came up just normal, with you turning it into a wonder. The tussle is between your actions and your instincts. If you put your faith in one, you would consequently have to forego the benefit of the other. Both paths lie in the haze beyond you, distinct from one another. What's it going to be?

Message to "Lovely Superstar": Go ahead, prove me wrong. I'm waiting...